As of June 7th, I have officially been seizure free for six months!! If we were still living in the states, I would be able to start driving again after the mandatory six months seizure free period. Looking back over the past six months, it seems crazy that I even went through that whole ordeal because my life has not changed that much in terms of my health. Of course we now live in a new country, but it seems like that month was taken from someone else's life. Maybe it's because I don't remember that time very well? I thought I would recount that time for those who don't know what happened. I am writing very little of this from my memory and most of it from what Cole and others have told me about that time. I especially don't remember any of my time during the first two seizures.
The Monday before Thanksgiving last year, I woke up early in the morning and sat up in bed. Cole thought I had gotten a cramp in my calf and that had woken me up. However, after a short time sitting there, Cole said I slumped over in the bed and started having, what we now know was, a seizure. Thankfully, we were staying with Cole's family and his dad, who happens to be a doctor, was sleeping in the next room. Cole ran over to get his mom and dad to help. Cole's mom quickly took Cameron out of the room while his dad calmed Cole down and told him I was having a seizure. They called 911 and my parents and watched me to make sure I was ok. The ambulance came and took me to the hospital to have an evaluation. Seeing as I had never had a seizure before, Cole was terrified that I had a tumor or some other serious condition that was causing the problem because I had been complaining of headaches for the previous two weeks. I can't remember the exact series of events once I was at the hospital, but I know that they did several tests on me and that I also had another seizure while I was there. I only remember being coherent two times while I was there. The first thing I remember was being wheeled to a room to have a test done. I can't even remember what it was, but I remember the guy who was getting me ready. I had no idea why I was there or what was going on. He told me I had had a seizure and that they were going to start a test. Needless to say, I was very confused. But he was very kind and reassuring. I fell back asleep, or out of consciousness at that point and don't remember anything else about the testing. The other time I was awake and coherent was when the neurologist came in to talk to us. He told us that they had not found anything wrong and that they could not see any reason why I had had the seizures. He also told me that, because of all the medication they had given me, I could not nurse Harrison for at least a week. I was crushed, confused, and happy all at the same time. I was crushed that I couldn't nurse my baby, still confused by what was going on, but happy that nothing seemed to be seriously wrong. I don't remember anything else about that day. The only other thing I remember about that week is that I woke up the next morning feeling like I had been hit by a truck. I had open sores all over the inside of my mouth and I had a hard time moving. But still, nothing was seriously wrong, and for that, I was grateful!
Once we returned home, we had to seriously discuss what was going on and whether or not we wanted to continue moving forward with our plans to move to Belgium. Even though the doctors had told us that there was no major reason why I had had the seizures, we were still a bit rattled by the events that had taken place. What would we do in Belgium if I had another seizure? We had help and support at home. In the end, we decided that God was leading us and that we would continue with our original plan...as long as doors continued to open, we would continue to walk through them and follow God's leading. Although I was not allowed to drive, life calmed down a bit and returned to a pretty normal state.
Fast forward to the morning of December 7th. I woke up early in the morning and didn't feel very well. I had an upset stomach and my head really hurt. Cole offered to stay home and help me, but I told him I thought I would be ok and that I would call if I felt any worse. Once he left, I started feeling worse, so I called my sister (who doesn't work on Fridays) and asked if she would come help me. By the time she arrived, I was throwing up and my head hurt terribly. I can't remember if I called Cole or she did, but he was home before I knew it. He told me later that he knew I was going to have another seizure and was on the phone with 911 before it even started. So once again, I took a trip in the ambulance to the hospital to be evaluated. I don't remember any of this and only have a few concrete memories from being there. They, again, did tests on me to see if there was something going on with my brain that was causing the seizures, and again, came up with nothing. The only thing I really remember is that the neurologist came in to tell me that I would have to be put on anti-seizure medication. I was crushed because I assumed that meant I would not be able to nurse Harrison anymore. The neurologist told me that I would again have to wait for the drugs to wear off from the hospital before I could begin nursing again and that he didn't know if I would be able to once I was on my new medicine. I know it doesn't seem like a big thing, but nursing my babies has always been very special and important to me. If I'm being honest, I was a bit frustrated with God because I didn't know what was going on or why. Cole and I both started to wonder if this was a sign that we were not supposed to take this opportunity in Belgium. We were confused...one one hand, we felt like doors were still opening to move, but on the other hand, these unexplained seizures. After a lot of discussions and prayer, we decided that we would still continue to move forward with plans to move.
I met with a neurologist the week after my last seizure. He was a gift from God. Not only was he very kind, but he explained things well and worked with me to find a medicine that I could take while continuing to nurse. He prescribed the medicine and ordered one final EEG to see if they could induce a seizure and find out what was causing them. He calmed our fears and answered our questions the best he could. We met with him one final time after my EEG and he told us that it was not likely that I would have any more seizures. They were not able to induce another seizure during the EEG, so they still have no idea why they happened, but he told us that he would not worry about it and that he would not change our plans to go to Belgium because of this. He said I would need to take the medicine for at least three years, but that I would probably take it for the rest of my life. I don't like to take medicine, so I was annoyed that I would have to take medicine for the rest of my life for something that they couldn't even tell me more about! At first, the medicine really messed with my mood. It made me much more irritable and tired. I would freak out about completely unimportant things all day long. Once I would get to the end of the day and think back over it, I was so amazed at how many times I had lost it over something so insignificant. But I was determined to make this medicine work because it was the only medicine I could take and continue to nurse. Thankfully, for everyone involved, I have mellowed out and don't notice any effects from the medicine anymore. And, I haven't had anymore seizures since I started taking the medicine!
When I think over the events, I am completely amazed that nothing more serious was going on. I could have had major issues causing the seizures, but instead, they can't find any reason for them. Of course we would love to know why they happened, but it's much better being in the dark than finding a major reason why they happened. Also, I could have had more issues with medication or continued seizures, but I haven't. The two things that affected me the most were the loss of my short term memory and the driving restrictions. Thankfully, my short term memory has finally come back to almost as good as before, and I can walk or bike almost anywhere here.
Of course we can't know why this happened the way it did, but after reflecting on these past six months, here is my take on this whole seizure thing. I have always struggled with control and needing to be in control of my life. I'm not good at asking for help and feel bad, needy, or weak when I have to. I realize that these are feelings I put on myself and that I need to work them out. With all that was going on with the decision to move to Belgium and the approaching holidays/travel, I was in some sort of "need to control" overload. Instead of just letting God lead us and following, I was stressing out about this or that and trying to take the reigns. I was stressed. Looking back, I really feel like God allowed this to happen right when it did to take away the control that I had in my life. My ability to drive places and do things on my own, my ability to remember and process things on my own, making plans on my own...these things were all taken from me in that moment. I had to rely very heavily on others and, most importantly, on God. I couldn't remember things, I couldn't go places, I couldn't make plans. It was very difficult to try to get things ready for our move to Belgium because I simply couldn't remember what I had already done and what needed to be done. I had moments of complete frustration because I couldn't do these things, but during those times, I was also drawn to God. Even though those months between my seizures and our move were very stressful and trying, we don't for a second question our decision to move to Gent. God has blessed us and provided for us so much, both before we moved and now, that we can't deny His presence in all of this. I still struggle with my need for control and wanting to know why this happened, but I am thankful for the growth that I have experienced in the last six months. I'm not sure I would have chosen the seizures the teach me this lesson, but God has such a wonderful plan and we are so thankful for his protection and guidance. Praise God for six months seizure free!!!
Another way I have grown is that I'm learning to appreciate and enjoy being with people who think, act, or look differently than I do. Prior to coming here, I lived a very comfortable life among people who were very much like me…and that's ok. But my world has expanded tremendously since being here. I have written about diversity before and I am so thankful so the opportunity for us to experience different cultures, traditions, and people. We have met so many wonderful people from all over the world since we've been here. Just the other night, a church group meet at our house for a bible study. Aside from the leader and two other people who were from Belgium, no one else was from the same country. There was someone from Hong Kong, Iran, El Salvador, Suriname, Brazil, America, and Ukraine. I have learned that people think and do things very differently, but that that is ok. I can still love and appreciate those who are different than me. I can still interact with and enjoy people from other cultures. And I certainly feel like I have a more accurate picture of what heaven will be like since getting to know Christians from all over the world. I am a much better person for coming to this realization and am thankful for being put in a situation where I can see that the world is bigger than "my world."
