Feeling Unprepared!!

A couple nights ago, Cole and I had a slight freak out about baby #3 coming. If you know me, you know that freak outs are not at all abnormal for my crazy self. However, if you know Cole, you know that he is calm, cool, and collected 99% of the time, so you can be assured that this was relatively legitimate. As a side note, this cool and calm demeanor is one of the many reasons why Cole is sooooo good for me! Anyways, so we had a little bit of a freak out. Why? I'm not exactly sure. It's not like this is our first child. Of course with every addition, there are things to think about and prepare for, but I feel like I am doing this for the first time. So is it because I sold or gave away pretty much all my baby things? Or because we're about to be outnumbered? Or because my doctor visits are so different from my visits with our other two children? Or because we are doing all of this in Belgium? I honestly think it's a little bit of all of these things.

First, thinking about buying all the baby things we need again is a bit overwhelming, especially because most baby items and clothes are significantly more expensive to buy in Europe than in the U.S. Also, our situation and needs are so much different now than when we had Cameron and Harrison because life is so different. I feel stressed when I try to figure out the best way to make life easier here on a daily basis. How many strollers do I need? What's the best stroller for city life? Should I get a stroller that can hold all three kids if necessary? What's the best way for me to get from the loft (on the 5th floor) down to the car in the morning with all three kids in tow? Should we get a larger bike trailer? Can we even fit a bigger car in our garage, etc?! Thankfully, as this is our third child, I have a much better grip on reality as far as what is needed for a baby and know that it is actually not very much! The plan at the moment it to bring empty suitcases when we go home in July and fill them up with what we think we will need. Hopefully, just being able to purchase some baby things without spending a fortune will make me feel better. It might make for a crazy trip through customs and some funny looks from the locals on our way home with all the extra suitcases, new stroller, and carseat, but I think it will be worth it.

Second, being outnumbered. I think this is pretty self explanatory. I don't think I would have given this very much thought except for the fact that, most everyone we talk to with three or more children talk about how this was their most difficult transition…there are now more children than adults and not enough hands to corral all the children. While I have no doubt that this will present challenges, our other children are also growing and becoming much more independent, so I think that will help with this transition. This is what I'm going with for now anyway!

Third, I have already mentioned that going to the doctor here is an adventure in and of itself. But add to that, the visits are nothing like my visits with our other two. They don't check or do the same things as I'm used to. Therefore, I'm, very irrationally, afraid that they're missing things or not being careful or thorough enough. I have to constantly remind myself that people have babies here every day and things are fine.

Last, this is all happening in Belgium! Once again, people have babies here every day, so why am I so nervous about this? I really don't know, but I'm pretty sure this is one reason why I am feeling so unprepared. For some reason, being here makes me feel like I am doing this for the first time. When the doctor asks if I have any questions for her, my mind goes completely blank and I have no idea what to say…I feel like a deer in the headlights. Sometimes this makes me feel like, since this is my third child, I'm a pro at this and don't have any questions, but I know better then that. I feel so overwhelmed by all the things I need to figure out that I end up not asking anything…Where do I go when I'm in labor? What is the procedure during labor and delivery? Can I get an epidural if I want one? And one of the biggest unknowns, what does care look like for the baby after delivery (does the baby stay in the room, what tests do they perform after birth, vaccinations, procedures, etc.). Thankfully, I have some good friends here who have done this before me, including one American friend who will be delivering soon, to help me talk through this. I am so thankful for all of them!!

Despite all of these unknowns, we are all very excited to meet this new little one. Even though I'm sure there will be more uncertainty and fear in the months to come, we trust the One who gave us this precious gift, are thankful for a heathy pregnancy so far, and look forward to finding out the gender in a couple weeks!

Just for good measure, here's the baby bump at 16 weeks!

An Exciting/Slightly Terrifying Adventure!

When we decided to leave home and move to Belgium, there were a lot of things about life still very much undecided and up in the air…things like whether or not to go back to school, whether or not to pursue jobs, whether to move somewhere else, whether or not to have more kids, etc. While many things are still up in the air and undecided, one of those questions has been answered; or maybe more appropriately, has happened.

Baby #3 is on the way!!

When we decided to move to Belgium, we also decide that we would be completely committed to the move and to making this our home. Well, what better way than to have a baby here! I would be lying if I said that we were completely decided about this issue or on the same page when we discovered that I was pregnant. It was more of a "let's see where God leads us" type of thing. In fact, I would say that I was nervous and a bit in denial when I got a positive pregnancy test. I was so in denial that I didn't tell Cole for three whole days that I was pregnant!! However, after working through the crazy in my brain, I remembered that not telling Cole would not change the fact that I was indeed pregnant, so after three days, I told him and was happy to see that he was excited. 

Over the last nine weeks, all of which I have been sick all day every day, I have been working through this situation in my head and, I think, have come to a much more excited and calm perspective. There are still many things going on in my head about this, but there is definitely much more to be excited about than afraid of. 

So, we are having baby!! This is a positive thing! This whole process is such a miracle that we can't help but be thankful and excited. There is nothing like seeing an ultrasound with a precious, tiny beating heart, or feeling your baby move inside your belly, or bringing a life into the world, or seeing precious newborn fingers and toes, or watching your child grow and learn. We feel so blessed to have Cameron and Harrison in our lives and are so excited to welcome another little one into our family. 

So, why am I so nervous? Well, we are having another baby.…in Belgium! Ok, I know that people have successfully been having babies in Belgium for years, but it is still Belgium!! Things are different. My family isn't here. After birth care is different. Expectations are different. I can't seem to articulate it very well, so suffice it to say that it is just different. Thankfully, most medical professionals speak at least some English (at least in my experience), so I think I can rest assured that our critical needs will not be ignored. However, I can already tell that this is going to be a story for the books. For all the ladies out there, you already know that going to the ObGyn can be a teensy bit awkward, but for me, going to the ObGyn here is terrifyingly awkward (I'll spare you the details)! I'm already anticipating the actual birth story to be even worse. But it's not really realistic for our family for me to come home to have the baby and then come back here, so I'd better get used to all the differences ASAP!  

The boys have been so sweet and excited about welcoming a new baby to the family. I was a little nervous to see how they would react because Harrison is very protective when I hold another baby, and Cameron told me the other day that he didn't want any more babies in the house. However, when we told them, Cameron got a big smile on his face, grabbed my hand and said "ahhh, two babies (meaning Harrison and a new baby)?!" He went on to say, "we are going to have another Harrison." He then leaned over to me and rubbed my arm with a sweet smile on his face. After some more discussion about babies (where they grow/live, etc.), Cameron asked some more questions like "what color do you think the baby will be," and "can I see the baby wiggle," and "why does the baby make you sick?" Even though Harrison does't understand as much as Cameron, he is still very sweet. The other night he asked me if he could give the baby two kisses. He gave my belly two kisses, then asked if he could jump on and bite the baby.  It was very sweet while it lasted and, despite the later comments, I know he will be a great big brother. In the weeks since the boys have known about the baby, they have asked many times to hug or kiss the baby and Cameron is anxiously waiting to feel the baby move. It has been so wonderful to see their curiosity about the baby and their desire to sing and talk to the baby. 

So some facts:

• I am currently 13 weeks pregnant and my due date is November 24, 2014.
• Although the baby will be born in Belgium, he/she will be an American citizen. Apparently, because there are so many immigrants here, citizenship is determined by the parents' citizenship rather than where the baby is born.
• We will be finding out what we are having. Even thought we loved being surprised with Harrison, there seem to be too many other unknowns with this process that we feel like it's a good idea to find out. 
• It will be soooooo much cheaper to have the baby here rather than in the U.S. We don't qualify for Belgian insurance because we don't pay social security taxes here, but even without Belgian insurance, everything is so affordable that, in the end, I still pay much less per visit than I would in the U.S. with insurance. For example, for my last visit to the ObGyn, I had a consultation, lab work, and an ultrasound. Without any kind of insurance help, I had to pay 40 euros…that's approximately $55.00!! I don't think I have ever gone to the doctor for anything for that price, much less with all the lab work and ultrasound. 

So here's to a very exciting/slightly terrifying journey! Wish us luck!! 

One Year

Today marks one year since we left our home with a for sale sign in the front yard, boarded a plane, and moved our family and entire life to Belgium. In some ways, this year has flown by. As I look back over the past year and think about how my life has changed and how I have changed, I am amazed. This year has been one of the most challenging years of my life, but I have grown in ways I didn't even realize I needed to grow. I am very thankful for this year…even though there have been tough times…I am thankful for the opportunity to experience life like never before and to grow into a different, and I think better, person.

One of the biggest things I've had to learn this year is to let go. Those who know me well know that I like to be in complete control at all times. I don't like not knowing what's going on, or not having all the information, or not having a plan. I do not like walking into complete unknown or situations where I might be out of my comfort zone. I've always been this way. But this year has not allowed me to be that way anymore. Of course there have been times over this past year where I have been drawn back into that mindset, but all that caused was frustration and fear. Going into this, there was no way to know what life was going to be like or how I would feel in certain situations. Of course I spent hours and hours researching Belgium; churches, schools, houses, the city of Gent, the Dutch language, food, activities, expat groups, mom groups, etc. I tried to completely prepare myself for what was to come. Little did I know that there was no way to do that. Yes, I was informed about things here, but I don't think there's any way to fully prepare yourself for moving to another country. When we arrived, I immediately tried to get our situation figured out and set. That was impossible because there were too many things that we needed to figure out. There have been many times where I have felt completely helpless and wanted to just quarantine myself in our loft, but that's not helpful either, so I have had to find another way to move forward. Learning to let go has been hard for me, but very beneficial, not just in my life personally, but also for our family. Life is better for all of us when I don't hold on so tightly, when I trust that God is taking care of us and has a better plan than I do. I'm not all the way there, but I think I can say that I have come a long way in letting go over the past year.

Another way I have grown is that I'm learning to appreciate and enjoy being with people who think, act, or look differently than I do. Prior to coming here, I lived a very comfortable life among people who were very much like me…and that's ok. But my world has expanded tremendously since being here. I have written about diversity before and I am so thankful so the opportunity for us to experience different cultures, traditions, and people. We have met so many wonderful people from all over the world since we've been here. Just the other night, a church group meet at our house for a bible study. Aside from the leader and two other people who were from Belgium, no one else was from the same country. There was someone from Hong Kong, Iran, El Salvador, Suriname, Brazil, America, and Ukraine. I have learned that people think and do things very differently, but that that is ok. I can still love and appreciate those who are different than me. I can still interact with and enjoy people from other cultures. And I certainly feel like I have a more accurate picture of what heaven will be like since getting to know Christians from all over the world. I am a much better person for coming to this realization and am thankful for being put in a situation where I can see that the world is bigger than "my world."

One of the best things that has come from this year has been our increased dependence on and trust in God. We have experienced intense loneliness, felt completely lost, been tested in our marriage, bumped heads about decisions, and struggled in many other ways. Through all of that, we have learned to turn to God for strength, direction, answers, and peace. I truly believe that we have a happier marriage and family because we are learning to look to Him first when we are struggling personally or as a family.

I could go on and on about lessons I have learned so far on this journey. This has certainly been an up and down year for me. We have been overwhelmingly blessed by opportunities to travel, meet wonderful people, and grow. We have each celebrated a birthday here and now Harrison has lived in Belgium longer than he lived in the U.S. I don't think I would have chosen this path if I was in control, but I am thankful for it. I am thankful for the growth and for how I will be forever changed because of this. As I think back to this day last year and all the uncertainty, I can't believe that me, of all the control freak people in the world, has survived so far. One of the main reasons that I wanted to keep a blog was to see how we would grow and change during this time and how God has provided for us over and over again. Reading over some of my old posts has done just that…I have been reminded of how blessed we are and how much God has lead us. Today I am thanking God for giving us this opportunity to grow as individuals, as a couple, and as a family, and for teaching us to trust Him.

Just for good measure, here are a few pictures to compare this time last year with this time this year.

2013

2014

First Few Weeks of School

Cameron has now completed his first couple weeks of school! He seems to absolutely love going to school, and I love hearing all his stories about activities he's participated in, looking at his pictures and crafts, and hearing all about his new friends. These last few weeks have been full of excitement and adjustments! Even though I like order and a plan, I have never been that good at having structure during the day with the boys. Other than meal times and nap times (meaning, I know those things will happen at some point), our days were always different and we just did whatever we felt like. Needless to say, I was a little bit of a mess the first week of school. After dropping Cameron off at school in the morning, I came home every day and went to get groceries for dinner that night. Why I couldn't get it together enough to get a weeks worth of meals (or even a few days) is completely beyond me! Poor Harrison...on top of losing his buddy and playmate in the morning, he also had to endure going to the grocery store every single day! 

After looking back over the past few weeks, here are some thoughts I have about our new journey with Cameron.

*Cameron LOVES school! He is excited to go every day and loves seeing his friends when he gets there. When I pick him up, he's excited to tell me all about his day and what he was responsible for during class that day. He is the only child who goes to school for half a day. Even though there are other three year olds in his class, they all stay for the whole day. It's becoming much more clear to me that this is a cultural thing and that most of three year olds spend the whole day at school here. When I ask Cameron if he would rather stay for the whole day, he always says "no," so for the time being, we will continue with half days.

"Cameron's Family" class project...love our hair!

*Cameron is making lots of little friends. One difficult thing for me, and Cameron for that matter, has been watching him try to make friends with kids at the playground, but struggling because of the language barrier. If you know Cameron, you know that he is very social and loves playing with others, but that he can also come on pretty strong. Add that with the fact that the kids have no idea what he's saying and you have a recipe for disappointment. It's hard to watch your child be rejected and hurt, so seeing him make friends has been awesome! Cameron comes home every day and tells me about playing with so and so. Also, when I go pick him up at the end of the morning session, he is usually giving one of his friends a hug before he leaves. I love that he is making friends and look forward to exploring these relationships further!

Cameron and his buddy Ansh

*Cameron has had the opportunity to be a part of many fun and new activities since being in school. Two of those activities are swimming lessons every Wednesday morning, and after school yoga on Tuesday afternoons.  

So far, he LOVES swimming! 

Working with his teacher!

Cameron is second from the right

Cameron is second from the right

He's only had one yoga lesson so far. After the class, he told me that he liked it, but that he didn't want to go back...so we'll see!

 *I need a better plan for the day. I have gotten better at planning for shopping, cleaning, laundry etc, but I still feel like a crazy person running around all day...and I only have one child going to school...for half a day!! I have no idea how my parents, who had five children, managed to do it all.  Likewise, many of my friends and family have multiple children in school and activities and also work, but still seem to have it all together. I know I'll figure it out too, but right now, I am in awe of all those super moms (and dads) out there, including my own, that I look up to!

*I have to get up early, be ready for the day, and have a plan before I take Cameron to school in the morning. It's not like I really got to sleep in much before school started, but now I HAVE to get up. And taking Cameron to school in my jammies is not an option! I'm a little embarrassed to admit that it was not uncommon for us to be in our pajamas for a good chunk of the morning, but that is no longer my reality! That's probably a good thing! :)

*I have decided that I am going to try to bike to school as much as I can. It's only a five to seven minute bike ride to the school from our loft, but it's not an easy ride. There is a crazy (at least to me) hill right at the beginning of the ride that is very difficult for my untrained legs to handle...especially with 70 extra pounds in the back of the bike! However, it's easier than driving in the crazy traffic and I am determined to try to take advantage of the fact that I can safely bike there and do it as often as I can. We'll see how I feel once winter rolls around?!

Harrison loves to wear Cameron's backpack!

*I have enjoyed the opportunity to spend a few hours alone with Harrison each day. As you may know, Cameron has a rather large personality, so Harrison's personality is sometimes squashed a bit when Cameron is around. It's been nice to have some quality one on one time with him like I did with Cameron when he was that age. I feel like I am learning new things about Harrison and his specific likes and dislikes. I have also enjoyed our quiet cuddles, story time, and playtime! I hope to start planning some fun adventures (like not to the grocery store) for the two us soon! I think Harrison enjoys this time too. However, I know he misses his buddy during the day. He is always so excited when I tell him it's time to go get Cameron. He gets a big smile on his face and runs to the door every day! 

*I have never appreciated the weekend as much as I do now! Of course the weekends have always been nice because Cole is home with us, but I love them even more now! Even after just a few weeks of school, it's nice to have a break from the running around and routine we now have during the week. 

Despite all the adjustments, school has been a really positive positive experience for us so far. Cameron has a great teacher and the staff at the school is wonderful! I'm also starting to get involved and even joined the PTA! I hope to meet more parents this way and I'm excited to be part of the activities at the school!

First Day of School!

Today was Cameron's first day of school. I wasn't sure what to expect from any of us today because we have been through a range of emotions the last couple weeks...from excited to nervous, Cole, Cameron, and I have all felt it. I tried to be prepared so I wouldn't be stressed out this morning. We went to the store to get an outfit for today last week (Cameron helped), purchased all the necessary supplies (there weren't that many), made a couple practice runs to the school by bike and by car so we would be prepared, and last night, I packed his snack, extra clothes, and set everything out for the morning. We all got up early to eat breakfast, get dressed, and take a few pictures. The morning went well! Here are some pictures from the morning. Please excuse the crazy amount of pictures! :)

We left early so we could be sure to make it to school on time...and take a few more pictures! 

We got to school in plenty of time!

Standing on the stairs at school

Cameron's teacher, Corine

Cameron immediately started playing

I was doing well holding it together until Cameron sat down, gave me a big hug, and said, "Mommy, I'm going to miss you when you leave." I got a little teary eyed and told him that I would miss him too, but that I would be back in a couple hours to get him. Thankfully, he went back to playing and did not have any trouble when we left.

It was strange, and very quiet on the way home. Harrison has moments when he can be rowdy, but Cameron is the leader of the wild man club and usually initiates the fun and noise in our house. Once we were home, Harrison and I didn't know what to do! We decided to go to the store to get some groceries. I didn't think about it until I was in the store, but I didn't have my little helper pulling the cart, so it was more difficult than normal! Don't get me wrong, I am happy to be able to have a couple hours a day to spend with Harrison alone, but it will take some getting used to!

Needless to say, Harrison and I were very excited to go pick Cameron up when the morning session was over.

Waiting for Cameron

Cameron came running out with a huge smile on his face and gave me a great big hug when he saw me! It was the best feeling to know that he had a great time at school, but also that he was happy to see us and come home! :)

I talked with Cameron's teacher and the Headmaster and they both said that Cameron did great. They said he didn't have any problems being there and that he had a nice time!

Heading home!

When we asked him about his day at lunch, Cameron told us that he had fun and that he played with trains and blocks. He also told us that he played tennis and on the train outside, and that he sang songs in the classroom. That was about all I could get out of him. After his nap, he started doing what looked like yoga moves on the floor. When I asked where he learned to do that, he said at school. I don't know for sure when he's telling me the truth because he also answered "yes" when we asked if he studied physics today! :) Either way, we're happy that he was happy!

   

Cole and I are thankful for this opportunity for Cameron. Although it's hard to let go and trust others to watch over and protect our sweet boy, we think this is going to be a positive experience for all of us! We look forward to seeing what's ahead!

Sending Cameron to School

When we first came to Belgium for our house hunting trip back in December, part of our time here was spent talking about and visiting schools. I was very surprised to see that on our agenda because, at the time, Cameron was only two. Back home, I don't think we would have ever considered sending him to school until kindergarden, maaayyybbeee preschool. Here, since most moms return back to work after 12 weeks of maternity leave, it's very common for children to be in a daycare (or creche as it's called here) from that time on. Once they turn three, it seems that most children start going to school (2.5-3 is the age when children can officially start school). I was told they switch to school at that time because it's cheaper than daycare? I don't really know if that's true, but it makes sense. Anyways, this is not common, at least in my small world back in the United States, so it was all a little weird to me. Despite my indifference/resistance, we visited a nice school while we were here in December. I didn't really think too much about it because I wasn't considering putting Cameron in school at the age of three. In fact, I was quite certain that we would NOT be doing this!

A couple months ago, I was forced to think about the issue again. As part of our relocation package, we were given the option to send Cameron and Harrison to school here once they turned three. Therefore, we had to make a decision so that all the paperwork could be completed, payments made, etc. This was a toughie for me!! As I said before, I don't think we ever would have considered putting Cameron in school until he had to go if we were back home. I love being with the boys all day. I love being a part of their learning and development. I love to teach them and play with them. I love to see their imagination and thought process change and develop. They are only little for such a short time and I don't want to miss out on those things. Once they go to school, my time with them will be decreased. Our lives will have to be more scheduled and disciplined and we can't be as spontaneous with fun day trips or vacations. Life will be different (as if it's not different enough already)! I also struggle with guilt and feeling like I'm just pawning him off on someone else...This is definitely my issue (and a whole other post!) because there is nothing wrong with sending a child to school early! So, while working through this decision, I came to a couple conclusions. First (I'll discuss my second conclusion in a minute), I realized that my reasons for not wanting to send Cameron to school were not so much based on what would be best for him, but more centered around me and what I wanted or was feeling.

So I started to pray and think about it, not thinking about my needs, but about what's best for Cameron. Here are some of the pros and cons that got us to our decision:

Pros:
*Education here is excellent and we are blessed to be able to send Cameron to a nice International School
*Cameron can go to an English speaking school with other expat children
*Cameron LOVES other kids and playing with others. He can meet some friends and continue to develop his wonderful, outgoing personality. He will also meet children from many different cultures.
*Cameron LOVES to learn.
*There are lots of extracurricular activities that Cameron can be involved with including language lessons, swimming lessons, music and sports.
*It's a great way for us to meet other families in the area who are in similar situations as expat families
*We feel like having some structure during the day might help Cameron learn to focus a little more
*I'll have a few hours every day to spend some quality time with sweet, quiet Harrison

Cons:
*I will not get to spend all day with Cameron
*Our lives will have to be more structured
*Cameron is so young

As you can see, there aren't very many cons in this list. After talking about for several months, Cole and I eventually decided to start sending Cameron to school this fall, but just part time (9:00-11:00 everyday). We just received his acceptance letter from the school yesterday and it became VERY real for me! Yikes!!

So my second conclusion is this...I have come to learn while working through this decision is that there is not a once size fits all answer for everyone or even every child within one family when it comes to making a decision about school. Many people send their children to school early, or homeschool, or choose a private school, or whatever, and that's ok. I have never wanted to send my children early, but things don't always work out the way we planned. I have heard many people talk about making school decisions and having their kids here, there, and everywhere...in the past, this has all seemed a little crazy to me. However, now that I am faced with these decisions, I am seeing that, even within my own family, my thought process about school is completely different when thinking about sending Cameron vs sending Harrison. Even though Harrison is quite a bit younger, I'm not so sure he would be ready to go to school at three. Of course we'll have to re-evaluate when he gets to that point, but at this moment, his personality does not lend itself to school so early like Cameron's does. When we really thought through it, we realized that Cameron would excel and love this opportunity regardless of how hard it will be for us. When it comes down to it, Cameron is ready. He is independent, confident, and outgoing. I know he will do great.

I know I can't hold on so tightly forever. As I think back, I have actually spent a good amount of time letting go of Cameron in little ways in the three short years he has been alive...as he learned to crawl, then walk, feed himself, put his shoes on, go to the bathroom, brush his teeth, etc. I have had to let go of little pieces of him with each development and with his growing independence. Although I would never want to hold him back or discourage growth, it's still hard for this mommy to see her baby grow up. I know that school is just one of the many changes that will take more little pieces of him away from me, but I m excited to see how God will use him through all of this. While it's hard to go through, I am so happy to see him growing into such a smart, loving, outgoing little boy. I get a little teary-eyed even writing this, but Cameron has told me many times not to be so sad when he grows up! :) I'm determined to embrace this change and help him continue to grow and succeed, with lots of prayers to help me through of course! We are thankful for the direction and peace God has given us about this decision and we know He will help us through it...even if it's tough for this momma!