A Difficult Couple of Weeks

Since returning from our Christmas trip a few weeks ago, I have been having a hard time feeling settled. I don't know if we went back and forth too many times in too short a time or what, but I'm just  having a hard time. It was hard to come back from our first trip home and it took a week or so to feel back to "normal" here, but it is taking a bigger toll on me this time around. I spoke with a sweet friend here in Gent yesterday about this and she told me that it was normal to go through this process…to have somewhat of a honeymoon phase when you first arrive where everything is new and exciting…but that real life would eventually come around and things would not always seem to fun and exciting. I am definitely feeling that these days. I have really had to fight the urge to give in and say that I want to go back home. To pack everything up and just go back to normal life back home. It's been a struggle for me to want to venture out and find things to do, to foster relationships (both at home and here), to try to meet new people, to want to learn Dutch, or to do much of anything. I have been feeling overwhelmed trying to make decisions about school, life, how to get more involved, etc., and in the end, I don't make any decisions at all. Instead, I end up doing nothing! I know this probably seems frivolous and a little bi-polar; frivolous because, in reality, we are so abundantly blessed and have been given way more than we deserve. These "problems" that I've been dealing with are so small compared to all the terrible things that are happening around the world, but this is my reality. Bi-polar because, for a while, things were great here and I was wondering if I would even want to come home. Even as I write this I feel a little crazy!

My sweet friend reminded me yesterday that I have to remember that God brought us here for a reason…a very specific reason. To accomplish something that only our family can do. She reminded me that, even if the purpose of this journey is to make a difference in one person's life, that God has a plan and if we can remember that, we can make it through this time with hope and a positive outlook.

I am so incredibly thankful that she was able to speak words of wisdom and truth to me at just the right time. There is no use in feeling sorry for myself and wasting this experience. I want God to use us and I am going to work hard to remember that there is a plan in all of this. Even though the tough times are hard, I also know that God uses times like these to draw us close to Him and and to teach us things…most importantly, to trust that He is in control!

Happy 4th?

Last year, we celebrated July 4th with dear friends from our shepherding group. We all came together at our leaders house for food, swimming, and fireworks. It was such a fun time to be together and just enjoy one another. Here are a couple pictures from last year...

Shepherding group babies (Drew, Harrison, and Karis)

Cameron with his best bud Lydia

I don't think I have to say that there was no celebration or even mention of July 4th here. No fireworks, nothing. It was just another day here and we all went about our business as usual. However, all day, I couldn't shake the feeling of sadness knowing that our shepherding group friends would be gathering together and celebrating once again this year. Of course I don't want them to stop everything while we're gone...instead, life keeps moving on and we are not there. And we are happy that they are able to gather together for great times of fellowship!!

Thankfully, we were able to talk with all of them through the wonders of technology. It was so wonderful to see their faces and hear their voices. It was nice to tell them about our new home and life here in Gent. It was also great to hear about what's going on in their lives. Before we ended our time talking, the group held hands and prayed for us. There are no words to adequately describe what a blessing this group has been to us. They have prayed for us, encouraged us, loved us, and taken care of us. They mean the world to us and we could not be more thankful that God lead us to their group when He did.  

So, we hope everyone had a wonderful time celebrating our freedom with friends and family, and we look forward to the time when we will be able to be part of these celebrations again!

    

Stay at Home Mom

My short time as a stay at home mom has already been one of the greatest blessings and challenges that I have ever had in my life. This job has provided some of the greatest joys and deepest frustrations as well as a love that I didn't know existed until I held our first little one in my arms. There is no way to describe what it feels like to carry a baby for nine months and then hold that little miracle in your arms for the first time...but I will never forget it! I knew I wanted to stay home with our children if I at all could. My mom was home with us and I will forever be thankful that my parents made the sacrifices they did to allow her to be home with us. I know not everyone can be home with their kids or even wants to be, and that's ok, but for me, it was important and I'm thankful that we were able to make that happen. I'm not exactly sure what I was expecting for my life as a stay at home mom, and I'm not even sure if I can articulate what I was anticipating when I decided to stay home, but it's definitely different in reality. Our two boys are wonderful! They make me smile, laugh, and thank God every day. They keep me on my toes, especially now that they are both very mobile. But as much joy as they bring to my life, they also bring frustration, confusion, guilt, feelings of inadequacy as a parent, and prayer, prayer, and more prayer...prayers for wisdom, patience, strength to get through a long day, and for grace! From the very beginning, Cole and I realized that having a child was going to be different from our expectations. When we first arrived home with Cameron, he was sleeping in his car seat. We sat down, looked at each other and said "now what?!" It was like life was forever changed, but it was still very much the same. We had this little being with us now, but there really wasn't anything unusual to be doing at that moment. Oh how our eyes have been opened since that moment. :) 

Just after we arrived home from the hospital with Cameron

Of course our lives are VERY different since having children, but in that moment, it didn't seem that different. The first week with Cameron was a whirlwind. I was not able to do much except feed Cameron because of the c-section, but it flew by. I vividly remember when Cole wen t back to work...I was scared. I cried for many weeks because it felt like life was over. I didn't realize that the crying and all the feelings associated with being a new mom were semi-normal and that it would pass. It was hard to see past that when all I did all day was watch a sleeping baby, feed him, change him, and interact with him as much as you can interact with a week old baby. I felt like I had failed at being a mom already because I was having these feelings. Life was definitely different!                                                                                                                                         

                                                                             

 

It's hard to explain, but life for me as a stay at home mom fluctuates between so many emotions, sometimes by the minute! It can be fun, boring, frustrating, enlightening, discouraging and heartwarming. 

My first Mother's Day (2011)!

It can be also be lonely at times. It's very hard to succinctly describe (that's probably why this post is all over the place). I can't think of anything else in my life that gives such gratification and joy as well as complete feelings of inadequacy. I had such a great group of moms with wonderful children back home that I could talk to, spend time with, and ask advice. They were in the trenches with me on this journey. I really miss that...

Harrison is here!

Heading home with our two sweet boys!

Mother's Day 2012!

Anyways, so now I live in a new country, have two little ones, and still struggle with the same things...but it seems to be a little more difficult here. There's not really such a thing as a stay at home mom here. Everyone works...it's just a cultural difference. Because of that, there are no indoor playgrounds or gyms open during the day, no playgroups or story times available, or many other moms who are home with their little ones during the day. Also, it rains here quite often, so we are stuck at home a lot! I only know one other mom who is at home during the day, so, in general, I'm left to figure this out on my own. It has sent me to my knees because there have been many times when I have felt so completely inadequate for this job. These children are so precious and such a gift that it seems inconceivable that I could ever get annoyed, frustrated, or bored with being their mother. To me, parenting is the closest we will ever get to understanding the love that Christ has for us...at least while we're here on this earth. I love my children unconditionally (as unconditionally as a human can), even when they disobey or ignore me, push my buttons or test me, etc. And my heart breaks when I see them hurt or scared. I want to protect them the best that I can from all the pain and suffering that comes from a fallen world. I try so hard to remember how God loves us, even when we are frustrating and disobey, and extend that love to my children. But I definitely have to rely on God to help me remember those things because I fail at this quite often. I am constantly reminded that I can't do this alone! When things are going well and I feel like I have a handle on what's  

So blessed

going on, there is a new behavioral issue we have to address. Or my patience has worn thin and I have to repent to God and my children for losing my temper. Or there is someone who wants to give their opinion about what I'm doing (or not doing) and make me feel inadequate. Or life starts to feel boring and mundane and I just want some time for me. Or fill in the blank... There is always something. Being here on my own has really magnified my need to rely on God for help on this journey. Our boys are changing and growing so fast and they need us so much. I never want to let the feelings of frustration, loneliness, inadequacy, or my need for just one minute to myself to get in the way of my calling to raise and love our sweet children. They are so precious and I don't want to take for granted the time I have with them. I am working to cherish little moments with them more. Before I know it, they will be graduating from college, getting married, and moving overseas themselves!! 

Mother's Day 2013

Missing our Best Friends!

If you have a great friend in your life, you know that there isn't much that will change how you feel about that person. Whether you are close or far away, whether you talk often or every once in a while, or even if you have a disagreement. God has blessed us with many wonderful friends who are in our hearts everyday. Even though we don't talk to these friends as often anymore, they are still a tremendous blessings to us. Over the past 4 years or so, one relationship has blossomed more than almost any other...I never anticipated this relationship to grow so much because we really struggled to get along for a good portion of our teenage years. I'm talking about my relationship with my sister Jessi.    As I said before, we did NOT get along. We are very close in age (16 months apart), therefore we were just one grade apart in school. You name it, we fought about it...boys, clothes, food, space, etc. We are the same as we are different, so we always got on each others nerves. When I got married, I didn't have much hope that our relationship would grow into much more than just being related by blood, especially after we moved 8 hours away for a new job. It didn't help things when Jessi married her husband, Jack, who I was not too sure of at the time...I didn't really know him at all. If you know me, you know that I said what was on my mind when I found out they were getting married...that did not go over well! :)

Jessi and Jack's rehearsal dinner

But God has a sense of humor and a way of healing broken relationships. A few years after we moved south, we found out that, even though Jessi and Jack had applied for jobs all up and down the east coast, they both landed jobs in the exact same city where Cole and I were working! What?!? I was excited, but nervous too. We were definitely closer than we had been in previous years, but we still weren't what I would call the best of friends. I just wasn't sure what to expect of our relationship when they moved there.

Well, fast forward several years and I can honestly say that Jessi and Jack have become our best friends. We were with them all the time back home. We were together almost every weekend and oftentimes squeezed in weeknight runs to see each other...usually to Dairy Queen (it was almost exactly in the middle between our houses). Jessi and I did everything together...going to the gym, going to church, shopping, cooking/eating, playing with the boys, etc. There is a huge hole without her here! 

Just after Cameron was born

Football season

Dairy Queen!

We can count of Jessi and Jack for anything and everything. They have seen us through disappointments, struggles, joys, excitement, a miscarriage, the births of our babies, and everything else in between. They are basically second parents to our boys and, although Harrison doesn't know them as well, the boys absolutely love them!

At the hospital when Harrison was born

Color Run

Of course we FaceTime pretty much every weekend now that we're in Gent, but it's not the same. I miss sitting outside grilling, laughing, and playing with the boys. I already miss football season and laying around all day watching games and eating and eating and eating. I miss celebrating the boys' milestones and birthdays with ice cream cake. I miss summer nights making smores and playing games late at night. We trust them, we love them. and we miss them tremendously!!! There is nothing like being near the people you care about the most. Did I mention that I miss them?!

Thankfully, Jessi and Jack are coming to see us in a little over a month and will be here for a couple weeks. I CANNOT WAIT!!!! Even though we are far away and don't get to see or talk to them as often, they are still our best friends. Although none of us know what God has in store for our lives as we live apart, I am so thankful for the restoration and healing that has occurred in our relationship and the tremendous blessing that has come from that. But today, I am really missing our best friends...

Loneliness

I wrote this post a couple weeks ago but have been hesitant to post it. One, because I don't want to sound like I'm complaining or whining...we are so incredibly blessed to be in the situation we are in, to be healthy, and to have our wonderful boys, each other, new community here, and a strong support system back home. We can't deny that God has richly blessed our lives in so many ways. Secondly, it's hard for me to admit when I fall short or when I or we as a family are struggling with things. We all want to present a nice, picturesque little family and life, right? So it's hard to admit when things just aren't that way! However, I think this post is a testament to God's tremendous grace in our lives, so I decided to share it even though it might make me feel uncomfortable or vulnerable! So here it is...

For Cole, life in Gent is not too different from home. Of course he has a new role at work and therefore, new/more responsibility, but his day to day life is not very different. He still gets up and goes to work everyday. He told me yesterday that he is surprised by how fast Gent feels like home for him. I am so happy to hear that, and for the most part, I feel the same way too. I think the boys have adjusted better than both of us, so we don't really worry too much about them! Personally, I was preparing for the worst because we had been told by several people that it would take 7-10 months to get adjusted and make this feel like home. Being me, I decided that, if it took others 7-10 months, it would definitely take me at least a year! Fortunately, like I said before, for the most part I feel very at home here. It helps that Gent is a beautiful place to live and that there is plenty to do. It also helps that most people speak at least some English and are generally pretty friendly. However, there are times when loneliness creeps in and I really miss my life in America. Just the other day was an example...Harrison's 1st birthday. We had a nice little party for him with some friends from church. We had a great time and I am thankful for the friends that we have met, but it just wasn't the same. There was a nagging feeling and a bit of sadness that our friends and family back home, as well our our boys' second parents (you know who you are) couldn't be here to celebrate with us. Then there are other times when I just want to go get some Taco Bell or Dairy Queen at 10:00 p.m. (no equivalent here...that's probably a good thing!!). Or other times, when it would be nice to go on a date and spend time with Cole, without the two crazies whom we love very much! :) Or when I see pictures of things going on back home that we are missing...weddings, get togethers, church events, new babies, etc. While I am happy these things are going on, it's sometimes hard to live in the moment and not wish I was there too!

There are things that are more difficult for me here. They affect me more because my day to day life is VERY different. Of course I am still home with the boys all day like back home, but I don't have all my wonderful mom friends to hang out with and have play dates, or the library to do story time, etc. I realize I'm whining a little bit here (I have no reason to complain), but that's how I'm feeling today. It's times like those that I mentioned above that I get a little discouraged and wish that we were back home. Things were just easier. I knew how to do things and get things accomplished. I had a strong support system. I just miss home sometimes!

But there is always a plus side, right?! There really are a lot of good things about being here, but one has really stood out to me over the past week or two. Because we are here by ourselves as a family, we have spent a lot of time together without distraction! This is a good thing! But in the process of spending a lot of time together, God has really pointed out ways in which we have failed each other, both in our marriage and in our parenting. The loneliness has forced us to see the ways that we have been falling short in serving one another and growing together. There was so much going on back home. We were constantly on the go with friends, family, kids, church, shepherding group, worship team, work, etc. that we didn't realize what was going on with our family. While those things we were doing were good things, our priorities started to shift a little bit and affect our family life. Once we arrived here and didn't have all the distractions or demands of our time, we realized that things were a little off.  Maybe we saw it before to a certain extent, but we didn't make it a priority to fix those things...to slow down a little and focus on what is truly important. We desperately want to have a strong marriage and family and we are so grateful for God's grace in our lives to show us where we fall short, and that same grace that allows us to have grace with each other. We are also thankful that, through the difficult times, God has been working to draw us closer to Him and to each other. We are fallen people and naturally find faults with each other and our children. However, God is so faithful in showing us the things that we need to work on, giving us the strength to change, and the ability to forgive each other when we mess up.

Loneliness is hard and there are days when I really don't want to deal with it. But I can't deny the fact that God is working, even through these difficult times. So once again, I praise God for what he is doing in our lives and teaching us!