My short time as a stay at home mom has already been one of the greatest blessings and challenges that I have ever had in my life. This job has provided some of the greatest joys and deepest frustrations as well as a love that I didn't know existed until I held our first little one in my arms. There is no way to describe what it feels like to carry a baby for nine months and then hold that little miracle in your arms for the first time...but I will never forget it! I knew I wanted to stay home with our children if I at all could. My mom was home with us and I will forever be thankful that my parents made the sacrifices they did to allow her to be home with us. I know not everyone can be home with their kids or even wants to be, and that's ok, but for me, it was important and I'm thankful that we were able to make that happen. I'm not exactly sure what I was expecting for my life as a stay at home mom, and I'm not even sure if I can articulate what I was anticipating when I decided to stay home, but it's definitely different in reality. Our two boys are wonderful! They make me smile, laugh, and thank God every day. They keep me on my toes, especially now that they are both very mobile. But as much joy as they bring to my life, they also bring frustration, confusion, guilt, feelings of inadequacy as a parent, and prayer, prayer, and more prayer...prayers for wisdom, patience, strength to get through a long day, and for grace! From the very beginning, Cole and I realized that having a child was going to be different from our expectations. When we first arrived home with Cameron, he was sleeping in his car seat. We sat down, looked at each other and said "now what?!" It was like life was forever changed, but it was still very much the same. We had this little being with us now, but there really wasn't anything unusual to be doing at that moment. Oh how our eyes have been opened since that moment. :)
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| Just after we arrived home from the hospital with Cameron |
Of course our lives are VERY different since having children, but in that moment, it didn't seem that different. The first week with Cameron was a whirlwind. I was not able to do much except feed Cameron because of the c-section, but it flew by. I vividly remember when Cole wen t back to work...I was scared. I cried for many weeks because it felt like life was over. I didn't realize that the crying and all the feelings associated with being a new mom were semi-normal and that it would pass. It was hard to see past that when all I did all day was watch a sleeping baby, feed him, change him, and interact with him as much as you can interact with a week old baby. I felt like I had failed at being a mom already because I was having these feelings. Life was definitely different!
It's hard to explain, but life for me as a stay at home mom fluctuates between so many emotions, sometimes by the minute! It can be fun, boring, frustrating, enlightening, discouraging and heartwarming.
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| My first Mother's Day (2011)! |
It can be also be lonely at times. It's very hard to succinctly describe (that's probably why this post is all over the place). I can't think of anything else in my life that gives such gratification and joy as well as complete feelings of inadequacy. I had such a great group of moms with wonderful children back home that I could talk to, spend time with, and ask advice. They were in the trenches with me on this journey. I really miss that...
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| Harrison is here! |
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| Heading home with our two sweet boys! |
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| Mother's Day 2012! |
Anyways, so now I live in a new country, have two little ones, and still struggle with the same things...but it seems to be a little more difficult here. There's not really such a thing as a stay at home mom here. Everyone works...it's just a cultural difference. Because of that, there are no indoor playgrounds or gyms open during the day, no playgroups or story times available, or many other moms who are home with their little ones during the day. Also, it rains here quite often, so we are stuck at home a lot! I only know one other mom who is at home during the day, so, in general, I'm left to figure this out on my own. It has sent me to my knees because there have been many times when I have felt so completely inadequate for this job. These children are so precious and such a gift that it seems inconceivable that I could ever get annoyed, frustrated, or bored with being their mother. To me, parenting is the closest we will ever get to understanding the love that Christ has for us...at least while we're here on this earth. I love my children unconditionally (as unconditionally as a human can), even when they disobey or ignore me, push my buttons or test me, etc. And my heart breaks when I see them hurt or scared. I want to protect them the best that I can from all the pain and suffering that comes from a fallen world. I try so hard to remember how God loves us, even when we are frustrating and disobey, and extend that love to my children. But I definitely have to rely on God to help me remember those things because I fail at this quite often. I am constantly reminded that I can't do this alone! When things are going well and I feel like I have a handle on what's
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| So blessed |
going on, there is a new behavioral issue we have to address. Or my patience has worn thin and I have to repent to God and my children for losing my temper. Or there is someone who wants to give their opinion about what I'm doing (or not doing) and make me feel inadequate. Or life starts to feel boring and mundane and I just want some time for me. Or fill in the blank... There is always something. Being here on my own has really magnified my need to rely on God for help on this journey. Our boys are changing and growing so fast and they need us so much. I never want to let the feelings of frustration, loneliness, inadequacy, or my need for just one minute to myself to get in the way of my calling to raise and love our sweet children. They are so precious and I don't want to take for granted the time I have with them. I am working to cherish little moments with them more. Before I know it, they will be graduating from college, getting married, and moving overseas themselves!!
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Mother's Day 2013
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